Jan 21, 2018

A honk and its ramifications

“You could flash your headlights instead?” I casually said, looking up to her, when she honked in an obvious situation where everyone was aware of her approaching. It was around 6PM, still visible but darkness is embracing the place.

However, my remarks on her honking didn’t go well. She got furious, as if I called her an asshole, or even worse! I was speaking in a tone which cannot be considered to be abusive in any manner. She changed her tone, raised her voice - "I learned driving in Delhi, ..." I don't remember the rest. I understand that abusing each other is apiece of cake for delhiites and it comes naturally to them. And all I could remember about the situation is, she wasn't fair in her behavior. It was a verbal abuse, which I didn't expect at all.

All this took place after a running event - her first running event and sure was an exciting event. We had some nice sandwiches after the run. And a beer! I clicked her photos with medals which she wanted to share with her parents.

After having her abusing me, I went blank for a moment. It was a shocker. Consequently, as she drove further, I couldn't give her proper direction – my fault, again. Unfortunately, a sorry couldn’t solve the trouble there. I sank in deep thoughts - and lost there, as usual. But, she went on driving talking to her colleagues on phone telling them what to do. Although she was a good driver, it wasn't that cool! The traffic wasn't heavy until we got on the national highway.

And then there was grave silence in the car!

My hopes of she apologizing went in vain, she didn’t seem to care at all. She used to say sorry over little things. But not this time! May be, something is bothering her which I don't know about. I was still in the shock.

When we reached almost at my place, I asked her to drop me on the main road. I knew she wanted to get home early and my apartment was a few minutes walk away. Besides, she had lost her cool and I didn't want her to take a diversion.

A little flashback:

This might sound like I was overreacting to an apparent easy situation, let me give you a flashback.

She used to be happy, pleasant and always a warm person. Texting wasn’t passive, but it turned bland over the past few weeks. Her responses to my text were cold, there was a change in her behavior. Conversations ended quickly. But then, knowing the fact that texting is the easiest way to miscommunicate, I didn’t draw conclusions.

Once when asked what is one thing she hates me for, she was reluctant to answer. She knew that she could unload her shit on me, any day, whatsoever! She had the go-to person here, always at her disposal. She once asked me 'are you this nice to everyone?' I used to send her everything she likes to her office, whenever she allowed me.

I believe relationships are not all about being cheesy always. Even today, I don’t know what I did wrong. I would take an honest feedback any day, however ugly it is. But I can't take misdemeanor unless followed by an apology. I can spot the slightest change in her behavior, but I can’t read anybody's mind.

I came back home and took shower. Later I got a message from her that she thinks we should take a short break, she doesn’t want to ruin something which was so nice! The last part was true. It used to be the best in th world :)

Further flashback:

She insisted that I should watch ‘before sunrise’ after our first date. She gave me her Netflix and asked me to watch. She said it’s an amazing movie. So I did. Only to know that we were living it! She casually asked me if I had watched the movie during one of our conversations. I said No. she said I should. We, two strangers, were meeting in city we have never been before. We walked all over the place, sat on the steps of some building when we got tired. Walked in to parks, gardens, watched kids playing, roamed all over again. We ate together. More than anything else, we had some conversations on those topics, just like what they did in the movie! We discussed the meaning of existence, the universe, reincarnation, among others. The movie and our first date were a bizarre coincidence!

After the short trip, we couldn’t wait to meet again. I almost choked later when she casually talked about a 5% chance of getting married. If you're a believer of Karma, it wouldn't be wrong to say we knew each other in our past lives, or departed twin-flames seeking to reunite!

I can't believe how I waited 6 hours at airport for her to arrive and didn't get bored at all. I was happy to wait. I stood for a long time at the arrival, until the security guard asked me to move away. Insane!

It was funny when she commented on 'Radiohead - creep', which was playing in the car when I picked her from the airport, that the song is musically nothing! That was my thought the night before when I was lying on my bed listening to it thinking 'it is just the lyrics, we all have been there!'

*sigh* We had a lot in common - including our egos.

Now what?

Well, Dostoevsky is my go-to person here, and almost always. “There are no bad people, only wretched ones.”  Sure somewhere I was not a good man. Where I went wrong is still a mystery to me. May be, more than just a not-so-good man. Wish I knew it before all this came out.
"But do you know, gentlemen, what was the chief point about my spite? Why, the whole point, the real sting of it lay in the fact that continually, even in the moment of the acutest spleen, I was inwardly conscious with shame that I was not only not a spiteful but not even an embittered man, that I was simply scaring sparrows at random and amusing myself by it. I might foam at the mouth, but bring me a doll to play with, give me a cup of tea with sugar in it, and maybe I should be appeased. I might even be genuinely touched, though probably I should grind my teeth at myself afterwards and lie awake at night with shame for months after. That was my way." - from Note From Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Upon retrospection, clearly it wasn't the first time I've been judged, worse than this. Not that I'm a saint though. But surely, this is not going to be the last one. People judge, regardless. Always!

I remember once telling her during a casual talk - 'We're getting into each other at an enormous speed, a collision could be catastrophic! We've got to be extremely careful.' She nodded, like a little girl, in downright unmitigated affirmation. Turned out to be true.

I wish everyone grew up with so much love, care and affection so that we're not so insecure and frightened when grew up.

ഇരുമ്പാണി തട്ടി മുളയാണി വച്ച് പൊൻകാരം കൊണ്ട് ചുരിക വിളക്കാൻ കൊല്ലന് പതിനാറ് പണം കൊടുത്തവൻ ചന്തു, മാറ്റൻ ചുരിക ചോദിച്ചപ്പോൾ മറന്ന് പോയെന്നു കളവ് പറഞ്ഞവൻ ചന്തു, മടിയിൽ അങ്കതളർച്ചയിൽ കിടക്കുന്ന വീരന്റെ വയറ്റിൽ കുത്തുവിളക്കിന്റെ തണ്ട് താഴ്ത്തി മാറ്റാൻ കൂട്ടത്തിലേക്ക് ചാടി രക്ഷപെട്ടവൻ ചന്തു, കൊടും ചതികൾ പിന്നെയെന്തൊക്കെ പാടി നടക്കുന്നുണ്ട് പാണൻ.

ചന്തുവിന്റെ ജീവാതം ഇനിയൂം ബാകി.

My life goes on.

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